想 起

最近间歇性地想起很多事，当踏进类似的场域，过去的时空逐渐复苏，扑面而来。记忆像一个个小格里的冰块开始融化，调色盒里干涸的颜料重新湿润并交融。

循声而去的信仰、不问前程的笃定，如果一天的转场是闭眼和睁眼，辗转在路上便像是频繁的眨眼。频繁的错位、错过和嫁接，悄悄潜入无数当时的回忆里，宛若时空的裁缝，拼贴缝补，日记般漫游。在恍惚的当下与过度的联想中，抽离地感受着。

真的眼见为实吗？如果不出发便不会看见。需要看见才能相信吗？不断练习睁眼和看见，想象与追寻……相信也是一项运动。

在许多他人的过去中捕捉着我能共鸣的当下，在异乡熟悉的陌生感中标记着我想逗留的此地。对话在不期的静默里生发，而空白又在焦虑的连续里涌现。只得暂时自言自语，背诵并编造着词汇。当我终于提起裤脚，小心地把支点让给他人而不再——要铺垫多久才可以安静地小憩呢？

无论脱离或重新定入了何种价值体系，比较——与自我的、他人的、过去或期待的比较，总未停歇。轻盈的时刻总有些畏于雀跃，仿佛飞机起飞后的机翼总会颠簸，而降落与归期尚未知。然而空气并非水中，在云端维稳地负重前行，不见得好于如履薄冰。

众人多讲追寻与成为，而最近我所感则多在拥抱和面对。无法控制的未知，和暗自颠簸的预想。不满足的潜意识驱使着迈出脚步，而形成习惯后应该何时驻足？会是安逸满足的环境使然还是终于精进了刹车的技巧呢？

2024夏 随笔 于上海

In A Split Second

Over the past few years I’ve been juggling on a seesaw weighing my own existence. Wavering on the top, I see the shadows flowing before I was able to touch it. Transit to the bottom, I look up in search of light before another leap of unfaith towards the sky.

Street lamps and past moments wash through. Settling down, I fold myself up in the room like a piece of clothes, quietly looking for a place, a time, or company to be contained by.

Now it’s one of the rare moments that quiets down in my surrounding or mind. I am not sure if I was born or trained to be like this any more, in between the slicing up and reorganizations of the fleeted memories.

Currents sizzled through the incandescent lamp above me. I look up again. Before it was able to collect its mind and talk, light sparkled through and flashed another silence in front of me. Its memories fade to white.

Summer 2024 Journal Written in Shanghai